"Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été."
~ Albert Camus
{in the depths of winter, I discovered there was in me an invincible summer}....
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Really since April 17?
I guess my journey to keeping track is going to be slow. Instead of writing it all out, I'm going to paste the email I just sent to my trainers for the spring make over challenge. We are 1 week in and it's easy, simply because it's new. I have a feeling I'll be singing a different tune come early June.
What success did you have so far? Successes were many. I managed to get ALL my cardio in each day, except for Sunday when I took a rest day. I looked for where I could fit it in while on a weekend trip with the boys - not vacation I was still "working"! I was able to be at Black Butte with my sister, without my husband and not have 1 drink, not even a beer or glass of wine. Honestly it wasn't that hard, I didn't want/need it and watching my sister freak out when she realized I was on the wagon and didn't bring any alcohol was enough to turn me off drinking for good. I ate within my calorie goal, actually I was under but not because I was trying, it just worked out this way. Yesterday I made a point of eating, eating, eating and I was 50 over, but did 2 40 minute workouts so I'm okay with that.
Biggest success for me - but don't count this weight b/c I feel like I need to weigh myself at night at the same time I had my first weigh in - is that I've dropped almost 10 pounds since I started focusing back on myself on April 12. I stepped on the scale that day and weighed 199 pounds and was HORRIFIED! It is not how I see myself and I was devistated that I'd let myself get to this place, again. Every pound I lost last summer preparing for my third degree test was back on. I was slow, sluggish, and cranky mama. It was hard but something in me shifted and I think this time as long as I stay accountable to myself its going to work. I've got the ultimate goal in mind, but I'm not saying it out loud. What I am focusing on is 10 pound increments. Those are HUGE. I know in weight watchers world I've lost 5% of my body weight, next celebration will be 10%. So this morning I stepped on the scale and low and behold the numbers said 189.2. I know the beginning will move faster so I'm savoring every moment. Also my overall heartrate on my run was lower, average was 136 for my couch to 5K run, rather than 147 like it was 10 workouts ago. So there are my current successes.
What did you find difficult? Right now not much. It's early, I'm 3 weeks into this crazy workout schedule and I'm still seeing significant results so I'm motivated. I know that when things start to slow down is when I'll have to start looking at all the things and plan for it. Oh and getting in the weight lifting. I need to buy hand weights for home so I can just bust out a 30 - 45 minute session and not have to get into the gym. I still have today to call it a week! LOL
How do you plan to stay motivated and get through your obstacles? I'm an OCD planner, so as long as I plan ahead I'm okay. It's the surprises that throw me. I had a moment a few weeks ago where I had to ask myself. I have made it through 3 very long black belt tests in Poekoelan and have done it, not without tears, and have passed. I did some things last summer that sucked beyond belief in preparation - super hot and super cold baths EVERY day to nameone thing - but I did it every day. So my question for myself was, "if I can do this in preparation, why can't I put the same focuse on myself and do it just for me?" The first answer was that I felt guilty taking the time away from my boys and my husband, but I realized that If i don't take the time we are not living in a house of joy. I realized that this journey is about me, not anyone else and if I don't start putting me first then where will I be in 10 years? Where will I be in 20 years? My teacher will be 60 this year and she can kick my butt into next year if she wants. I intend to be that strong when I'm 60. Also i had to ACCEPT where I was and start at the beginning. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew that putting my head in the sand was not going to make it change. So I guess my plan is to keep looking in the mirror, going back to what I"ve written at the start, keep using my blog (which I haven't touched in about 10 days but will do so today).
What is your workout plan this week? You want the plan written on my fridge? Here it goes:
Monday - walk 60 minutes
Tuesday - run Couch to 5K (probably going to be a short cardio day)
Wednesday - walk 45 in the morning with the dog, come get killed in KB with Alta in the evening
Thursday - do some sort of 30 minute cardio thing before W.O.W at the gym in the morning
Friday - run Couch to 5K - start week 4 (oh hell!) - after I finish my run if time walk for 20 more minutes
Saturday - rest, or do a slow long walk
Sunday - Run Couch to 5K, finish with whatever cardio time I have left walking.
I know I'm missing a weight session. I'm working on a plan. Oh and the days that I'm running in the morning I'm hoping to stop in the gym. If I still need cardio I'll do it after the boys go to sleep at 8:00, and then add in some weights until I have my own.
What success did you have so far? Successes were many. I managed to get ALL my cardio in each day, except for Sunday when I took a rest day. I looked for where I could fit it in while on a weekend trip with the boys - not vacation I was still "working"! I was able to be at Black Butte with my sister, without my husband and not have 1 drink, not even a beer or glass of wine. Honestly it wasn't that hard, I didn't want/need it and watching my sister freak out when she realized I was on the wagon and didn't bring any alcohol was enough to turn me off drinking for good. I ate within my calorie goal, actually I was under but not because I was trying, it just worked out this way. Yesterday I made a point of eating, eating, eating and I was 50 over, but did 2 40 minute workouts so I'm okay with that.
Biggest success for me - but don't count this weight b/c I feel like I need to weigh myself at night at the same time I had my first weigh in - is that I've dropped almost 10 pounds since I started focusing back on myself on April 12. I stepped on the scale that day and weighed 199 pounds and was HORRIFIED! It is not how I see myself and I was devistated that I'd let myself get to this place, again. Every pound I lost last summer preparing for my third degree test was back on. I was slow, sluggish, and cranky mama. It was hard but something in me shifted and I think this time as long as I stay accountable to myself its going to work. I've got the ultimate goal in mind, but I'm not saying it out loud. What I am focusing on is 10 pound increments. Those are HUGE. I know in weight watchers world I've lost 5% of my body weight, next celebration will be 10%. So this morning I stepped on the scale and low and behold the numbers said 189.2. I know the beginning will move faster so I'm savoring every moment. Also my overall heartrate on my run was lower, average was 136 for my couch to 5K run, rather than 147 like it was 10 workouts ago. So there are my current successes.
What did you find difficult? Right now not much. It's early, I'm 3 weeks into this crazy workout schedule and I'm still seeing significant results so I'm motivated. I know that when things start to slow down is when I'll have to start looking at all the things and plan for it. Oh and getting in the weight lifting. I need to buy hand weights for home so I can just bust out a 30 - 45 minute session and not have to get into the gym. I still have today to call it a week! LOL
How do you plan to stay motivated and get through your obstacles? I'm an OCD planner, so as long as I plan ahead I'm okay. It's the surprises that throw me. I had a moment a few weeks ago where I had to ask myself. I have made it through 3 very long black belt tests in Poekoelan and have done it, not without tears, and have passed. I did some things last summer that sucked beyond belief in preparation - super hot and super cold baths EVERY day to nameone thing - but I did it every day. So my question for myself was, "if I can do this in preparation, why can't I put the same focuse on myself and do it just for me?" The first answer was that I felt guilty taking the time away from my boys and my husband, but I realized that If i don't take the time we are not living in a house of joy. I realized that this journey is about me, not anyone else and if I don't start putting me first then where will I be in 10 years? Where will I be in 20 years? My teacher will be 60 this year and she can kick my butt into next year if she wants. I intend to be that strong when I'm 60. Also i had to ACCEPT where I was and start at the beginning. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew that putting my head in the sand was not going to make it change. So I guess my plan is to keep looking in the mirror, going back to what I"ve written at the start, keep using my blog (which I haven't touched in about 10 days but will do so today).
What is your workout plan this week? You want the plan written on my fridge? Here it goes:
Monday - walk 60 minutes
Tuesday - run Couch to 5K (probably going to be a short cardio day)
Wednesday - walk 45 in the morning with the dog, come get killed in KB with Alta in the evening
Thursday - do some sort of 30 minute cardio thing before W.O.W at the gym in the morning
Friday - run Couch to 5K - start week 4 (oh hell!) - after I finish my run if time walk for 20 more minutes
Saturday - rest, or do a slow long walk
Sunday - Run Couch to 5K, finish with whatever cardio time I have left walking.
I know I'm missing a weight session. I'm working on a plan. Oh and the days that I'm running in the morning I'm hoping to stop in the gym. If I still need cardio I'll do it after the boys go to sleep at 8:00, and then add in some weights until I have my own.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Still going
I have a group of boys that I work with and we have been working on knight's shields and a group totem pole. One of the animals, which I forgot about until I laminated the shields, is the turtle. According to my papers the turtle is known for it's protection of others. As a counselor and mother I find this very fitting. My job is to protect the needs of those in my building and as a mother my ultimate job is to always protect my sons. I love the imagery of a turtle, who is so delicate when the head and legs are out, but can snap into the shell immediately and be totally protected. I know the layer of fat that I carry around my body is my own shell, what I am working on is creating the energetic shell defense, so that I can lose the actual physical shell. Little by little this can happen.
I got up and ran this morning before work. As long as the runs aren't longer than 30 minutes I can easily do a morning run. It was not joy, but it felt good after. I feel a strength coming back to me that I haven't felt since I started back at my job. Balance is the key. Remembering that I can. I have. I will. But not having to repeat, because I am tulen I already know this! How I love that concept, being part of the larger Tulen community and knowing in my ilmu without hearing it what my teachers are teaching. Constant trust. Remembering that I have trust. I am trust. I will trust. Sometimes I forget I'm a bantoe, and then I see the tape on my bedside table - yes gross I know but it's the reminder of what I went through - and remember.
Turtle pace will always win the race.
Blessed be. So be it. It is.
I got up and ran this morning before work. As long as the runs aren't longer than 30 minutes I can easily do a morning run. It was not joy, but it felt good after. I feel a strength coming back to me that I haven't felt since I started back at my job. Balance is the key. Remembering that I can. I have. I will. But not having to repeat, because I am tulen I already know this! How I love that concept, being part of the larger Tulen community and knowing in my ilmu without hearing it what my teachers are teaching. Constant trust. Remembering that I have trust. I am trust. I will trust. Sometimes I forget I'm a bantoe, and then I see the tape on my bedside table - yes gross I know but it's the reminder of what I went through - and remember.
Turtle pace will always win the race.
Blessed be. So be it. It is.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday. Day of rest? Nope!
No photos yet, they will happen sometime today though. Perhaps after the heathens go back to sleep. I made it to the gym for day 4 of working out for 30 days. I did the couch to 5K run, week 1. Acceptance that I have to start over to ensure that I don't get hurt. It was a tough pill to swallow, but starting over is just one part of this process. Hopefully that last start over I'll do, again. period. After my "run" that I actually turned into a H.I.T workout I did some lifting and then embraced my bff, the foam roller. I loathe that thing, but know it's so good for my IT bands and everything else. Reduces swelling and soreness.
Funny while running one of my intervals I really thought about the idea of RAW while running and realized that as long as I'm relaxed I can push through. Last 2 intervals I also ran forms in my head. Letting myself go to Set 1 and see it rather than feel my legs was what I needed to push to max bpm - thank you my lovely heart rate monitor. Soon I'll hit the streets, but right now this is a good start. And I can track my gym visits. I did 2.02 miles in 29 minutes. We'll see how this gets better as I start running more, although I will say I walk a mean clip!
Food seems easier b/c I just don't care. Of course I care, but I'm breaking that cycle of not working out so I feel like crap so I eat crap which makes me feel like crap so I don't work out so I feel like crap so I eat more crap. again and again and again. Which is why this blog is about my journey back to me. By being able to see this is about me, I can see how this is about me and how I can support myself. How I can be a better me and ultimately be a better mom and wife. They all say I'm good, but I'd always like to be better.
Goal I have before the end of 2012 is to do crossfit. I am terrified of the entire process, but feel like if I keep at what I'm doing and then stay focused I can do it. But that is a long term out there goal. Right now my goal is 30 days of working out/moving in some way shape or form for more than 30 minutes a day. This is MY TIME, not anyone else's. Keep hydrated, keep strong, keep patient. Things will reshape with patience and time.
Blessed be. So be it. It is.
Funny while running one of my intervals I really thought about the idea of RAW while running and realized that as long as I'm relaxed I can push through. Last 2 intervals I also ran forms in my head. Letting myself go to Set 1 and see it rather than feel my legs was what I needed to push to max bpm - thank you my lovely heart rate monitor. Soon I'll hit the streets, but right now this is a good start. And I can track my gym visits. I did 2.02 miles in 29 minutes. We'll see how this gets better as I start running more, although I will say I walk a mean clip!
Food seems easier b/c I just don't care. Of course I care, but I'm breaking that cycle of not working out so I feel like crap so I eat crap which makes me feel like crap so I don't work out so I feel like crap so I eat more crap. again and again and again. Which is why this blog is about my journey back to me. By being able to see this is about me, I can see how this is about me and how I can support myself. How I can be a better me and ultimately be a better mom and wife. They all say I'm good, but I'd always like to be better.
Goal I have before the end of 2012 is to do crossfit. I am terrified of the entire process, but feel like if I keep at what I'm doing and then stay focused I can do it. But that is a long term out there goal. Right now my goal is 30 days of working out/moving in some way shape or form for more than 30 minutes a day. This is MY TIME, not anyone else's. Keep hydrated, keep strong, keep patient. Things will reshape with patience and time.
Blessed be. So be it. It is.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The start
I have the song from the Sound of Music running through my head, "let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start." blah blah blah. But it is a start and I'm doing like a turtle, slowly and surely. Waiting for the end of the race, but taking my time. When I'm like the hare I burn out and don't end. When I am a turtle I end it, maybe not as pretty as others but I finish what I start.
This blog is about me. Not my sons. Not my husband, not my job, family, or my animals. They will hold starring roles at different times, but as I journey back to me this blog has to be about me. Maybe I'll have a reader, maybe not. It's not about that, it's about me putting it down and inspiring myself to do better. So here goes.
Tomorrow will be a huge risk, as I post a photo of me. I'm not particularly in "love" with my body right now. Hell let's be honest my body bums me out, but it's mine and I need to take care of it. I have not done it, not just for the past few years, but for many many years. There is no easy solution, although the path to all of this is easy joy now. Tulen principles, acceptance, balance, using R.A.W to connect with my ilmu and spirit. Float. Water. Accept. Joy. Love. Trust. Abundance. Prosperity. Joy. Perhaps I will print and share at my ceremony, perhaps not. Right now my focus is right now. Being in mindfulness and easy joy now. I am. I have.
I might post goals or challenges. I will post my work in my Nia class, simply because even though it's Nia the principles transfer to Tulen. EVERYTHING transfers to tulen. My children are tulen babies, my commitment to my husband was blessed by Tulen. My life is the result of living in alignment. When I am out of alignment, I am out of balance. What my journey of balance/alignment is creating how that looks for me. Not my teammates, not my teachers, not my friends. How I find my own alignment, and what it looks like. How I align my body with my spirit - hmmm I've been working on this since gold sash perhaps this perchobian will answer that. How I align my heart in myself with the heart of my mommy self. Aligning with my children so they grow up knowing that I was there for them, but didn't sacrifice myself for them - self-sacrifice will be the end of being a good mommy. In the end what is is, what is isn't. Lessons learned, relearned, relearned, relearned, reshaped, relearned.
Blessed be. So be it. It is.
This blog is about me. Not my sons. Not my husband, not my job, family, or my animals. They will hold starring roles at different times, but as I journey back to me this blog has to be about me. Maybe I'll have a reader, maybe not. It's not about that, it's about me putting it down and inspiring myself to do better. So here goes.
Tomorrow will be a huge risk, as I post a photo of me. I'm not particularly in "love" with my body right now. Hell let's be honest my body bums me out, but it's mine and I need to take care of it. I have not done it, not just for the past few years, but for many many years. There is no easy solution, although the path to all of this is easy joy now. Tulen principles, acceptance, balance, using R.A.W to connect with my ilmu and spirit. Float. Water. Accept. Joy. Love. Trust. Abundance. Prosperity. Joy. Perhaps I will print and share at my ceremony, perhaps not. Right now my focus is right now. Being in mindfulness and easy joy now. I am. I have.
I might post goals or challenges. I will post my work in my Nia class, simply because even though it's Nia the principles transfer to Tulen. EVERYTHING transfers to tulen. My children are tulen babies, my commitment to my husband was blessed by Tulen. My life is the result of living in alignment. When I am out of alignment, I am out of balance. What my journey of balance/alignment is creating how that looks for me. Not my teammates, not my teachers, not my friends. How I find my own alignment, and what it looks like. How I align my body with my spirit - hmmm I've been working on this since gold sash perhaps this perchobian will answer that. How I align my heart in myself with the heart of my mommy self. Aligning with my children so they grow up knowing that I was there for them, but didn't sacrifice myself for them - self-sacrifice will be the end of being a good mommy. In the end what is is, what is isn't. Lessons learned, relearned, relearned, relearned, reshaped, relearned.
Blessed be. So be it. It is.
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